Had a discouraging visit with the shrink yesterday. Was very impersonal; dr. seemed crabby. Didn't do anything except push a new drug on me, which I begrudgingly agreed to try. Pristiq it's called...and after only a few minutes of researching it on the web I decided that there was NO WAY I was going to take it. Besides being an Effexor clone, it increases blood pressure and cholesterol, both of which I had/have at dangerous levels. Kind of irritated the doctor didn't take that into account. Then there's all the other side effects it gives as well. I think I am done trying new meds, for real now. I will resign myself to being one of the rare few people that can't tolerate anti-dep meds anymore. I will be seeing him in 2 weeks and will have a very stern attitude when I go, and if they don't like what I have to say (or don't say), then oh well.

Spent the morning taking care of business, paying bills, doing some chores, etc. Looks like I'm gonna make it to 2010 afterall.

Just another day yesterday. And depressing.

At night I got a little crazy, after thinking too much about how shitty my family is. Sent scathing emails to mom and half-sis. Have deactivated FB account...was getting stupid posting things and nobody replying, with the whopping 15 "friends" I had that didn't really know me to begin with.

I don't regret saying what I said, but I think I'm going to shut my mouth for a while.

My seething anger has returned and I'm not so sure I can control it as well as I have in the past. The only thing tempering it right now is my depression.

Last week or two I've had some slight improvement both physically and mentally. I've seen my shrink twice now, and although I'm not very confident in finding an overall solution to my problems, so far they decided to increase my klonopin dosage and that has had pretty decent results. All of my dizziness/headaches/nausea has gone away, further convincing me that they are the result of benzo withdrawl. The bad thing about this of course, is that I can't be on them forever, and will eventually get a tolerance to my current dosage and the withdrawls will return once again, perhaps even worse than before. But for the present, everything is okay. Fewer panic attacks, and sleeping SLIGHTLY better.

Financially I am not doing as well. I've had a couple of screwed up purchases where things cost more than they were supposed to (fine print) and bought a few things I shouldn't have. I'm about $6,000 in debt now. sigh. However, I finally got back on foodshare and have $360 currently in food money. Am going to try an early morning grocery store run tomorrow. That will be money I can use to pay off some debt.

I still have not gone back for the dental work I need, and I am considering not getting any work done at all now, unless I am in major pain. And the way my dad has been replying to my legal emails, I am not confident he is going to give me the money I need to get the work done anyway. But there is the crutch of the problem--even if I get the money I'm not sure psychologically I can go through with it anyway, so I'm a little confused and apprehensive about that whole situation. I will just see what happens.

I've also gotten back in touch with one of my online friends and that has made me feel better as well.

Thanksgiving is coming up and it will be just another day, for me. Trying to forget about my relatives...although I out-of-characterly got a gift for my nephew for christmas...just a magazine subscription though, nothing major. Although his dad is an asshole, I shouldn't hold that against my nephew.

My contact with the half-sister has ended pretty much. After exchanging a few messages she has ignored my last one, but at least we are facebook friends so I can take a peek into her life every once in a while. But she obviously doesn't want anything to do with me, even if I am family. Sound familiar?

(Twig): I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up.

so this morning i went to the grocery store at 6am to avoid the crowds...ran into maybe 5 people in the entire store...and as im checking out guess who I see? a chick I knew at work back in my early 20's that took me under her wing and we were "friends" for a couple of years (when it suited her)...did she say hello? of course not. Ignored completely. What are the odds. It's as if some higher being was looking down and saying, "here's one more reason why you should kill yourself"

its finally come to this. Not a single person in the world gives a shit about me anymore. Not my relatives, not my doctors, not even my online "friends". And I dont give a shit about me either.

what do you think is the next step?

shrink cancelled my appointment due to swine flu. just the thing I wanted to hear....not...already paranoid about getting it, now I really wont be rescheduling. Fuckn kill me already.

New half-sis on facebook de-friended me and ignored my last message. It's obvious someone told her not to talk to me anymore, and that makes me angry beyond words. Rage like I cannot even describe. not so much that its a relative I wanted to get to know, but that someone ELSE has gone behind my back and told MORE LIES about me.

everything is going to shit again.

Lost contact with my remaining online friends, the half-sister that initially was happy to hear from me has gone silent, apparently freaked out by me, my mother and I aren't in contact much anymore, my dad has given me the usual frigid shoulder after exchanging several formal legal emails, my physical health is still pretty bad, and I feel like I am starting to lose my sanity from the loneliness and boredom. The prospects of things getting better aren't very well either with my new dipshit shrink(s). I haven't been too depressed in the past few weeks but I am back there now. I will be spending Thankgiving alone again, and the upcoming cold winter feels like a big storm brewing.

Had my first shrink appointment this morning. It was so humiliating and depressing I just want to die. They want me to get all these fuckn records from every hospital I've been to and I don't know where to begin. Not sure I'm even going to go back.

The place was a joke. They were like, "oh we have a therapist that will take your insurance! lets schedule it immediately!"...I was amazed since I've been told for the last year that therapy isn't covered....until I got home and got a message on my phone saying, "sorry your insurance doesn't cover therapy"...well DUH I told them that...idiots. Way to get the hopes up falsely for someone who's hopeless. Plus the "office" was an actual refurbished home. Friggin ridiculous. The first guy that interviewed me was a total newb and didn't know what he was doing. Later when the actual psychiatrist came in, he was constantly correcting what he should and shouldn't have done, right in front of me. Amateurs. I guess this is what passes for health care in America these days.

I hate people. All of them.

Nobody I've met in the past 10 years has any redeeming qualities whatsoever. They are either too self-absorbed, can't carry a conversation, or are just plain idiots. Everyone I know has, over time, turned into giant egotistical morons. This would include my own family. I hope they all burn in hell.

the dizzies and nausea are back, pretty bad. klonz not helping. Started when I woke up again. Still a mystery as to what causes it...hadn't had it this bad for about a month...was feeling better till today. Ah well.

Got my meds. Now all I have to worry about is getting back on foodstamps and this Dental shit.

oh my freakin god. Took 4 months, dozens of "helpers", hundreds of phone calls, and some luck, but I finally found a psychiatrist. Appointment November 3rd. Will take 2 buses to get there though, but its not TOO far away I guess.

Also left a message for my regular doctor for a temporary refill of anti-anxiety meds, except that he's on vacation and had to leave a message with his replacement. I give the odds of getting a callback at about 10%.

Another email reply. This time from NAMI. (apparently everyone answers their emails on monday mornings...)


"This is Zach at the NAMI Greater Milwaukee office. I’m sorry no one responded earlier; I was out of the office and forgot to forward mail to my coworkers.

We have been overwhelmed with phone calls that echo the sentiments of your email, and feel for the most part helpless in the face of it. We have been told that the system is full, and most facilities/clinicians are turning people away.

I’m forwarding your email to the rest of our team in the hopes that someone has some good news for you."

In other words, you are screwed.

Reply from dentist this morning:

This is Dr. XXXXX:

Thank you for your e-mail.Let me begin by saying how sorry I am that this was not taken care of when you requested the information.It is not our policy to leave requests unanswered or unresolved. I will personally have it ready for you by days end. Again please accept my apology for this. Due to our failure to accomodate your request in a timely fashion I will place a 100$ credit on to your account to be used for your future treatment. Thank you again for pointing this out to me .

Have a great day

Someone who actually listened to me! I think I'm going to faint! Now it will be awkward when I go there again, but that'll be a few weeks I guess. I think the threat to go elsewhere worked.

After a few days of having not many health problems, the heart palps have returned and have continued even after taking some ativan (last pill, argh) and klonazepam. Had a couple of anxiety attacks and headaches today as well. One of them came when I attempted to go grocery shopping at 4pm and saw the parking lot. Freaked out and had to turn back home in a panic. Had english muffins and a banana for dinner. -sigh- Foodstamp card is empty so I really am feeling the pinch now as far as buying food. Sucks.

Football kept me distracted today at least. Won another fantasy football game to go 4-0. And the Packers won, but looked horrible.

Anyway, I think it's gonna be a long night.

Emailed my dental office and gave them an ultimatum - get that letter to me by the end of the week or I'm taking my $6,000 worth of work elsewhere. Whether they even respond to it (they didn't the last email) is another matter entirely. I am 100% convinced they do not want me as a patient due to being so high-risk. Fuck them.

Emailed my "dad" as well, informing him that my "lawyer" hasn't contacted him because of complications with my current dentist, and to expect a new estimate from a different dentist in the next few weeks. In reality, I probably won't see anyone new until I'm in severe pain again. I just have TOO MUCH ANXIETY to deal with that shit.

Social worker just called me to update me and basically ask me the same questions she asked me a week ago, plus a little more history. "We'll get back to you" once again.

Sent an email to the local NAMI organization, explaining my situation. We'll see if anyone even replies.

Really starting to get angry.

STILL no letter from dentist, STILL nothing heard from social worker, and no response to my foodstamp application yet. Left a message for social worker just now. This is getting FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

A lower-middle class citizen on disability in the fucking UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and I can't get a doctor. It's been well over 5 months since my last psychiatrist had to "dump" me because of my insurance change, which wasn't even a change to begin with. Same coverage, different "carrier". Medicaid.

Heart palps still a major problem at night. Not sleeping well. Am going to take a 0.25mg klon before bed from now on.

Shaved my head bald today. Got tired of the shagginess, it made me feel yucky. Also re-applied for food stamps online, waiting for callback. Was pleased to find out I can opt for a phone interview instead of going across town to the office...but we'll see if I ever get the callback. Still no word from the social worker or the letter from the dentist.

Parents offered to come in and go out to eat this week but I turned it down, I just don't want to deal with it right now.